I keep making the wrong choices and missing out on things that matter to me. I don't know how to deal with so much overwhelming decision, so many parallel tasks and goals and not enough time to do much of them and survive.

I'm talking about work, university, friendships, relationships, community, identity, self expression, creativity, hobbies, exercise, and everything else. Even that list makes me feel exhausted.

Despite my previous attempts to organise things better, to prioritise myself and my wellbeing, I keep falling into this pattern of overpromising myself. I get behind on work, on school, I put way too much of my time and energy into these things, I get myself incredibly stressed out about all of them, and then I have no energy to put towards myself or my passions.

I need rest.

Missing things

I missed one of my best friend's wedding recently. I've been so exhausted and burnt out that it's making me immunocompromised, and I contracted the flu or covid right before the wedding. It was one of the hardest choices not to go, since I'll never get another chance to attend their wedding and be there for both of them, but after weighing up my tiredness with the long drive, the risk of making others sick even with a mask on, and the fact that if I don't rest I'll get much sicker, I made the tough choice not to go.

Hopefully once I'm better, I can visit them and give the newlywed couple the painting I made as a gift.

I'll probably cry when I see them next.

Reflection

I wish I could've gone, it makes me quite upset that I'm missing the wedding, and it wasn't an easy decision to make. It's making me reflect on what I truly value in life. I need to have a good hard think about these things.

I've been so hyperfocused in a proto-survival state that I'm losing touch with the human connections that matter to me. I can't keep deferring these experiences, these important and special moments, simply because of unrealistic work goals or expectations placed on myself. I need to prioritise the people in my life.

Surely some of the time I spend on things, stressing about them or planning or doing them isn't needed for whatever dreams I have. Honestly, there's not even a guarantee that I'll get a job out of my degree, or that I have any longevity in my future with the way to the world is going. I still want to try, but I shouldn't destroy myself over it, tearing my myelin sheathes apart, disintegrating my joints and wearing down my organs just to pay off debts quicker or trick myself into thinking I can do the impossible.

The modern american dream is a leech on all of our wellbeing, a contagious (daresay memetic) thought pattern that if we try a little harder we can get on top, we can support ourselves.

It's statistically bullshit.

The potential for recovery..?

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying here though, I'm not talking about "optimisation" or life hacks. Freeing up time doesn't mean filling it with other obligations, it's not about minmaxxing life. I'll be unoptimising my life from now on, trying to do less for the sake of it, unless it actually means something to me.

I'm not gonna drop out of uni, and I can't reasonably put a stop to the things currently on my plate, but I can reduce the workload a bit and figure out ways of freeing myself from this sludge.

I just wanna be happy, I wanna have time to see my friends and I wanna make real memories.