Happy new year! Mardi grass!

I've been through a lot since we last spoke.

I'll save you the recap, it's not really relevant and I'm sure you've learned all the same lessons I have! ^-^

Fucking finally

I'm tired of filtering myself for others, and I'm tired of trying to appeal to a general audience, or to relatives, or honestly even to anyone who doesn't have a direct stake in my life. This blog, my artwork, my code, everything you can see here is stuff I've created for myself. I know this is probably the umpteenth time I've said "I'm gonna start making things for myself", but I've secretly been doing that the whole time.

I do things I love because the very act of learning and creating brings me joy.

The problem though, is that my personal motives haven't always been the same as they are now. Hell, they've come from some pretty meh places lol. I learned how to draw because I was anxiously attached to my partner at the time, and I was afraid she'd leave me if I didn't. I've made some really stupid choices in the past. I've knowingly hurt my friends to appease others and win over people who didn't even care about me. I've sacrificed my own wellbeing far too much, given too many fucks to too many undeserving people, and honestly?

I'm so tired              
of my kindness, and my nescience     
being               
taken          
advantage of.    

This website is one of the greatest examples of something I've poured countless hours into purely to get the attention of people. I've sanitised my own posts, deleted a fair amount of them because I deemed my past thoughts too embarrassing and didn't have the humility to accept that I'd grown.

So many choices have been made from my own fears, too. Fear is one of the most terrible emotions. Fear of losing friends, fear of being controversial, fear of not getting a job, even the fear that a prospective employer would be able to find this and not think it was the coolest thing in the world. I've missed out on a lot of opportunities in my life and spent years rotting away in fear of the unknown, my core traumas grasping me, holding onto me so tight I can't breathe or even move a muscle........

It's ironic. I'm putting myself out there for praise and I'm simultaneously too afraid to actually put myself out there.

What are you even talking about bro

Okay I get it, it's been a while since I've been here. I'm sorry for the harsh words before... I'll save the rest for my therapist <3

I'd been trapped in a cycle for so so so long, a cycle of being abused, being hurt by those I thought I could rely on, being lied to and manipulated, and other things I can't actually say here. I'd been stuck in that horrible state for the last 2 and a bit years, probably longer. The stress destroyed me, it killed all of my passion, it burned me out and isolated me. I didn't even realise it at the time, I'm kinda only realising it now that I'm out of it.

I lost myself, and convinced myself that I was someone else, or multiple other people. It got really confusing and it consumed me for a long long time. I kept seeking it out, the very thing that was hurting me, thinking it was the cure. Thinking that maybe it was me that was wrong, it was my own fault that I kept breaking.

This paradoxical state of dependency with no trust.

A complete dissolution of reality, of identity.

Dissociation.

I'm better now, and it's kinda cute looking back on it (maybe cute isn't the right word since I was struggling so much lol). Regardless, the existence of this blog post, in addition to the battle that was 2025 for me, are almost what I'd consider an ummmm, a celebration? A tribute?

Oh! That makes sense :>

This is a letter to myself, a statement that reminds me of everything I went through. A warning not to look back. I can't go back even if I want to.

Thank you to everyone presently in my life, for supporting me and encouraging me to grow. For actually being trustworthy, reasonable friends who care about me. This letter is also for you, and so is everything that I do.

This time it's real.

   - Glitchy