Something I've learned recently is that you can't force yourself to grow.

I've discovered a newfound need to be social, extroverted, to make more friends. I've remembered what it's like to feel lonely (after being isolated for so long due to cancer + covid, then intentionally isolating myself for even longer), but now I have barely have any friends to go back to, barely any community to be a part of.

In the process of trying to grow and become more of a social creature, I've put a lot of pressure on myself, I've been really harsh on myself, and I keep comparing myself to others. It's unhealthy at best, and dangerous at worst. Change requires time and lots of nudging, you can't force it.

Anyway, I fucked up the other day... I lashed out at a good friend of mine. My stress, trauma, and anxiety got the best of me, and I said some really fucking awful things. There's no excuse for my behaviour there, I knowingly inflicted pain and it hurt both of us.

I lost a friend.

All that progress, and those moments enjoyed together, now they'll only be memories. memories tainted by my mistakes.

I'm sorry. I'm going to try my best to learn from this. I need to be a better bunny.

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Update 2023-10-19:

Things are going better. I'm learning how to socialise and make friends, and I've repaired my friendships and found a sense of community now. I was going through a very rough period of depression and stress a few months ago, and it's over now.

The person mentioned above is now friends with me again, and we're taking things a bit more carefully. I won't let myself fuck up like this again.

I'm proud of myself for getting through everything!!

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Update 2026-02-27:

It's okay to lose people sometimes..

If you have to fight to get a friend back, it means they're not really your friend. They don't value you in their life, and that's okay.

Don't give up on people, but more importantly, please don't chase after them if it's clear things won't work out. You'll end up hurt more in the long run. You could end up somewhere you really don't wanna be if you invest too much into any single connection.

Things will get brighter, things will get harder, and busier. It can get so messy and horrible, and you can get very hurt. I don't want you to get hurt, even if you need mistakes to learn sometimes. I still care about you, and yet I don't understand you at all.

I hope one day I can understand.

Please stay safe... I love you.